Topic 4: Parental Guidance

 

Parental Guidance

Why is parental guidance so important to the child? It meets their need for safety. A child needs to know what to expect, what is acceptable or not, the boundaries, the house rules, and what happens when the rules are broken.  That is predictability.

Parental guidance is like traffic safety regulations. What would we do if the traffic code changed every day? We’d probably feel stressed at not understanding the road signs, so we’d be afraid of arriving late to work, having an accident, or getting fined. Being stressed takes up a lot energy, so we might become irritable, impatient, and angry, and no longer wish to drive a vehicle. Let’s try to make our home life more predictable. 

Positive discipline: restoring family harmony (French)

Here are a few tips:

Routine is important for a child

To meet the child’s need for safety, they need events to repeat themselves in a determined order, at a specific moment, and regularly. That helps them to build a trusting relationship with their parent, because they know what is expected even when it involves a less pleasant task. If the steps are always the same and in the same order, the child will be more cooperative when completing tasks and implementing their routine.

The bedtime routine is also important to the child. It enables them to feel secure enough to fall into a deep, restorative sleep. Exclusive parent-child moments are also important.  

Examples of evening routines: 

  • Homework;
  • Supper;
  • Family game time (30 minutes);
  • Solo play time;
  • Bath/shower;
  • Quiet time: reading, music;
  • 5 minutes alone with their parent before bedtime (massage, soothing music, relaxation).

The 4 Cs of Parental Guidance

Clear: The rules are announced in advance, just like the positive and negative consequences. Make sure the child clearly understands the rules explained to them and the reason for them.

Consistent: Apply what is expected. Avoid letting your current mood, feelings, and child’s reaction influence you. Otherwise, the child will have difficulty understanding the reason for the consequence when it wasn’t applied the previous time for the same behaviour.

Coherent: Both parents agree to and sensibly enforce the rules in the same manner. They also comply with the stated rules because they are their children’s role models (e.g., no cell phones at the table also applies to both parents).

Consequential: What happens if a rule is broken? The child needs to know what to expect, not to terrorize them, but to teach them that there are logical consequences to their decisions. The child learns to live with the impact of their decisions. Of course, when the child respects the stated rules, completes the requested task, or complies with the routine, we congratulate and thank them.

House rules

Choose rules and enforce them

It is preferable for house rules to be:

  • Selected based on the family's values, those we wish to transmit to our children;
  • Few in number;
  • Simple and brief;
  • Positively formulated by stating what we wish to see as a behaviour (e.g.: Hang up your coat when you come back from school);
  • Adapted to the child’s developmental stage and maturity level.

The rules must be introduced to the child when they are available, calm, and attentive. We can involve them in developing the house rules, rewards, and consequences.
Means to make the house rules official:  

  • Have a family meeting to identify them.
  • Draft a verbal or written contract to be signed by the family members.
  • Use a table to write the rules and expected behaviours.
  • Use images for younger children (to facilitate their understanding).

The child needs time to integrate the house rules. Of course, your child will defy you, test your limits, and avoid unpleasantness. It is therefore normal for instructions not to be immediately followed. That is why it is important to provide rewards (reinforcements) and consequences to help them to better understand your expectations. 

Tips to help you get your child’s attention:

  • Remove all visual and auditive stimuli before giving your child an instruction (e.g., turn off the television or music).
  • Name the child’s challenge and make sure you have their attention (e.g., maintain eye contact or put your hand on their shoulder before speaking).
  • Use short sentences, one at a time.
  • Make sure that the instructions are brief and specific (e.g.: Say “Speak more softly” or “Remain seated” instead of “Calm down”).
  • Make sure the child understands what is expected by having them repeat in their own words the instruction and thank them for their understanding.

On the road to adolescence

Between the ages of 5 and 11, the child needs the parent to enforce compliance with the house rules and instructions. Even if the child can participate at certain stages, it’s the parent who has the final word. Even if the child isn’t always satisfied, it’s exactly what they need to integrate social norms.

Why does it require so much energy? Because we are preparing the child to make the right decisions at adolescence. In the next stage of their life, your child will need autonomy and to make decisions independently. The framework remains very important during adolescence; however, you will have less of an impact as a parent. To make the right decisions independently, your child will need to understand which rules to follow.

Activities

Application

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