Topic 5: Managing Disruptive Behaviour
Managing Disruptive Behaviour
When and How to Manage Disruptive Behaviour?
A child needs structure, an adult who makes important decisions for their healthy development. Experiencing a logical consequence enables a child to become more responsible by learning what is acceptable and what is not. However, many disruptive behaviours don’t require consequences, but rather a preventive intervention from the parent.
Minor misbehaviour
Minor misbehaviour is often a warning that something is not right, that the child needs our help to prevent their disruptive behaviour from worsening.
Here’s what you can do:
Reassure the child
- Get physically closer: The child often needs closeness, but doesn’t know how to express this need. The goal isn’t to shed light on the disruptive behaviour, but rather to give the child physical proximity.
- Show them that you noticed something is wrong: “You’re turning in circles and making noise. Usually that means something is wrong.”
- Name the child’s intention behind the behaviour: “I think you want me to take care of you. I’m here and we’ll take some time together to discuss it.”
- If you are currently unavailable, place the child in time: “I will be available in 15 minutes, right after I’m done with the dishes.” Perhaps you can also ask them to wash and dry the dishes with you.
- Reframe what is acceptable or not: “You don’t have to scream. I’m here for you and we can talk about it so that you can feel better.”
- Explore what makes your child that way: “You seem upset. What happened?”
- Distinguish what the child says from your perception of the situation: “You’re telling me that everyone’s dumb, but isn’t that because you’re disappointed that your friend is not available to play with you this afternoon?”
- If you can’t identify the problem, drop it. Instead, focus on ways to get the child to calm down.
Use strategies that encourage collaboration:
- Identify methods that calm the child down: If your child seeks attention, stay with them when they use their own means to calm down. Give them their space when they prefer being alone.
Examples of ways children can soothe themselves:- Take deep breaths.
- Go to a quiet space.
- Listen to music.
- Draw.
- Write in a notebook.
- Exercise: walk, run, dance, jump on the trampoline, skip, etc.
- Twist soft objects.
- Hold a heavy plush toy.
- Speak to someone you trust.
- Redirect or distract: Change the topic, use humour, keep them busy, ask them to choose another game, ask them to leave their sibling alone.
- Give a deadline: “You have 10 minutes to complete this task. If the task isn’t completed within this deadline, a privilege will be revoked until the task is completed.”
- Give a warning: “The next time I have to warn you about (name the behaviour), there will be a consequence.”
- Give a false choice: Provide two alternatives that share the same end goal but empower the child. “Do you want your snack before or after you do your homework?”
- Use the broken record technique: Repeat the instruction or request in a loop in a neutral, assertive tone.
- Employ the 1-2-3 Technique (French): Cut the arguing and negotiation short when there’s no room for it.
- Remind the child of the behaviour that is expected of them.
- Ten seconds later, name the upcoming logical consequence.
- Another ten seconds later, apply the logical consequence.
Repeat the instruction at each step. The 1-2-3 countdown enables the child to know what to expect and gives them the time to get ready to act.
Major misbehaviour and dangerous behaviour
Major misbehaviour isn’t dangerous, but it is very disturbing (e.g.: screaming, insulting others, repeatedly disobeying instructions).
Dangerous behaviour, as the name indicates, endangers the child’s safety or our own (e.g., throwing objects, hitting, threatening others).
Major misbehaviour and dangerous behaviour require a logical consequence adapted to the situation.
Difference between punishment and consequence
Punishment
Punishment has little connection between the behaviour or the situation. Its goal is primarily to induce fear in being punished again: “I obey out of fear of being punished.” The child is often punished when the parent is angry and even out of revenge (we want the child to pay for what they did).
As they don’t feel respected in the parent’s reaction, this may increase the child’s anger and desire to oppose. Furthermore, the relationship may deteriorate into a power struggle, and the child may develop a negative self perception. (“I’m bad because I’m always being punished.”)
Consequence
A consequence is the logical result of a child’s behaviour. The child experiences a consequence, not the parent gives them a consequence. The goal of a consequence isn’t to frustrate the child: It is to teach them to make decisions and to own them.
The goal of a consequence might also be to end some misbehaviour. For example, the child is upset and is disrespectful toward their sister. The parent can send the child to their room until they become nice again.
IMPORTANT: The consequence must be applied in a respectful, understanding, and empathetic manner as it sends the following message to the child: “You are entitled to make mistakes. I’m not disappointed. However, you need to assume the consequences.”
- Logical consequence: If the child resists during homework time and throws objects, less playtime will be allotted for the evening routine.
- Loss of a privilege: The parent could take away 30 minutes of video game or screen time.
- Restitution or reparation: Excuse oneself sincerely, make a drawing, provide assistance, do a task, fix a broken object, etc.
For more examples, visit SOSNancy (French)
Worth Knowing
- The consequence must be experienced soon after the inappropriate behaviour.
- Its length must be short so that the child feels that they can improve.
- The consequence must never take away parent-child time or negatively impact the relationship. For example, if your night-time routine involves 10 minutes of reading to your child, keep it despite the misbehaviour during the day.
- After expressing aggressive or disruptive behaviour, the child may need time to calm down before experiencing the consequence.
Your child is having a tantrum and you fear for their safety or that of others
- Remove dangerous objects and secure the area.
- Remain within your child’s sight.
- Evacuate other family members, if necessary.
- Call for help: neighbour, relative, a psychosocial support service (8-1-1, press 2), or the police (9-1-1) if you fear for their safety or that of others.
Getting back to the child after a crisis or disorganization
Getting back to the child is a very important step to them. Doing so enables you to communicate with them to better understand them and to find solutions while preserving their self-esteem.
- Approach the child and validate their emotional availability to feedback.
- Ask them how they understand the situation (see topic 3)
- Do not insist if your child doesn’t wish to talk about it. Name the behaviour that is expected of them.
- You are not proud of your reaction or interventions with your child. It’s time to tell them which ones, to acknowledge your actions, and to assume them.
- Define what comes next: act of reparation, consequences, etc.
- Conclude on a positive note (e.g., hug).
Your feelings as a parent
A child’s behaviour can trigger feelings among their parents. Managing your own feelings is essential to getting effective results from your interventions. You are consumed with anger or are losing control? Here’s what you can do:
- Take a break and withdraw for a few minutes.
- Tell your child that you are withdrawing for a few minutes.
- Accept your emotion and find ways to regain your composure (breathing, meditation, writing, drawing, etc.).
- Listen to your child if they’re having a tantrum to prevent them from injuring themselves (it’s not time to put on your ear buds).
- Call psychosocial support (8-1-1, press 2) for assistance and to take a step back.
- Dial 9-1-1 to call the police if you fear for your safety or that of your child.
Judging yourself is pointless. Having feelings is perfectly normal. Take the time to manage them appropriately and to seek the necessary help.
If you feel you need help, many organizations are there to support you depending on your needs. Consult the list of organizations in Estrie (French).
