Topic 3: Parent-child relationship

Here are the stages of the parenting pyramid. It's important to start at the base to solidify the foundation of your family life (relationships) and then work on the upper stages, which you'll see in the next themes. 

Positive parent-child relationship

It pays to invest in a positive relationship with your child for future interventions. Indeed, if the relationship is sound, the child will tend to react better when a privilege is revoked or boundaries are imposed. Your child will even find a balance of sorts. 

Tangibly, investing in a relationship involves:

  • Taking care of your child: being affectionate, taking action, being encouraging, speaking to them before bedtime, and so on; 
  • Listening and speaking to your child: showing interest in their day, wishes, games, concerns, interests, and so on;
  • Playing, having fun with your child;
  • Congratulating your child when they’re successful, encouraging their efforts and acknowledging their qualities.

Quality time with your child

There are many ways to spend quality time with your child: play a game, cook, practice sports together, do arts and craft, share affectionate moments (massage, parental touch). It is also recommended to spend exclusive time with your child a few times a week when you are alone. 

► List of activities to do with children and teenagers (French)

Playing differently
Educating one’s child is one among many parental roles. Some games are naturally geared toward learning, competition, and rules. However, it is important to include game time that is pressure free and rules free in which laughter and fun are the ultimate goal. Here are a few suggestions:
      • Let your child lead the game (which meets their need for freedom and control at an appropriate time).
      • Avoid competing (e.g., choose role-playing and “make believe” games with your child).
      • Be a good sport: Congratulate and encourage your child.
      • Avoid giving out too much advice; instead, foster their problem-solving skills (e.g., “How do you get out of this situation?”).
      • Express your gratitude for the play time together.


► To learn more about parent-child quality time

Positive reinforcement

Positive reinforcement fosters a child’s self-esteem and feeling of being competent. A parents’ words help the child to build confidence which branches out into other areas of life (at school, with friends and relatives, in activities, etc.).

Three kinds of positive reinforcement

Verbal reinforcement

 This involves...
  • Congratulating your child with words, expressing your pride and highlighting their effort.
  • Acknowledging their successes and personal qualities. Leaving a note in their lunchbox or on their bed. 

Here are a few examples: 

  • I am proud of you. You have completed the task without me having to ask you to do it.
  • Congratulations! You waited for your turn.
  • Congratulations! You completed your routine independently this morning.
  • Well done! You’re playing super well with your sibling.
  • You share with your friends. I like that about you.

Be careful to highlight effort more than success. Clearly name behaviours you deem appropriate.

Reinforcement through gestures

 

This involves...

  • Congratulating or thanking the child through gestures. 

 

 

 

 


 

Here are a few examples: 

  • Giving them a high five or a thumbs up.
  • Giving them a hug or smiling at them.
  • Setting up a “brag board” or a chart to record the family members’ successes (with stickers, emoticons, hearts, and so on).
  • Attending practices.

Reinforcement through rewards

 

This involves...

  • Giving your child free rewards, such as special moments or privileges, rather than objects or money.
  • Your child can participate in choosing a privilege or activity aligned with their interests, which is motivating to them. You can also draw up a list of privileges together which your child can choose in the upcoming weeks.

 

Here are a few examples: 

  • Inviting a friend home;
  • Going to bed 30 minutes late;
  • Choosing a family movie;
  • Choosing a week-end meal.

 

 

Parent-child communication

Frustrations and tantrums often erupt when the child feels misunderstood or when there are disagreements.  It is useful to develop sound communication with your child as early as possible, something quite practical during adolescence when it becomes a “protective factor”. Here is a 3-step communication method.

Step 1: Explore the child’s universe

Listening to your child also means paying attention to what they’re saying and taking the time to understand their experience before finding solutions. So how do you do this?

  • First, ask your child about their understanding of a given situation. “What do you understand about what happened? How did you feel?"
  • Then validate and be receptive to the child’s feelings. (“I understand that you’re sad or are upset.”)
  • Finally, guide them in finding solutions and ways to feel better within the situation (“What solutions do you think there are to this problem?”)

Step 2: Relate to the child

That’s when you tell the child that you understand their situation and that you are there to help them.

Step 3: Share your experience as a parent and provide support

It is then the parent’s turn to give their opinion regarding the situation.

  • The parent can now share their perspective and understanding of the situation before validating it with the child.
  • The parent clarifies their own intentions and expectations, delimiting what is acceptable and what is not. (“I understand why you feel this way, but I don’t accept this behaviour. I want us to find a way to maintain respect. You know that you can go to your room when you are upset and come out once you have calmed down to discuss the matter.”)
  • The child might already have identified a few winning proposals. If so, the parent can congratulate them and reinforce their introspection and problem-solving abilities.
  • Depending on the child’s age, it might be necessary to give them a few suggestions.
     

Here are a few tips:

  • For effective and healthy communication, it is necessary to choose the appropriate moment when everyone is receptive.
  • If you sense the tension is rising between you and your child, speak slowly and take a break.
  • Parents are the primary role models for their children. Taking the time to work on your communication skills and emotional regulation enables your child to integrate these concepts more easily.

Activities

Application

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