Topic 2: Understanding My Child’s Needs

Needs: Looking beneath the Iceberg

Clearly identifying our child’s needs through all the behavioural facets may be tricky business. Just like the tip of an iceberg, behaviours are clearly visible whereas needs remain hidden, much like the portion of the iceberg beneath the surface of the ocean. To help your child, you need to understand their genuine needs.

Needs categories and how to meet them

Physiological needs

At the base of the pyramid are the basic needs for survival such as hunger, thirst, and sleep.

Examples :

  • Eating;
  • Moving;
  • Sleeping;
  • Having fun.

How to meet those needs:

  • Adopt healthy lifestyles as a family (healthy meals, regular sleep and bedtime routines, physical activities).
  • Make sure to prioritize quality fun time which leads the child to use their imagination and creativity.

Need for safety

Safety means feeling that one lives in a safe, stable, and soothing family environment governed by predictable rules and routines.

Examples :

  • Having rules, structure and limits;
  • Being reassured about one’s fears (e.g.: bodily changes);
  • Knowing what risky behaviour is.

How to meet those needs:

  • Clearly state the house rules and consequences, and enforce them when needed.
  • Be available to respond to the child’s concerns and worries.
  • Provide parental supervision, increase surveillance when necessary (e.g.: for risks related to the child’s safety, screen use, etc.).

Need for belonging

Belonging refers to the feeling of belonging to the family, that our loved ones cherish us, and that meaningful bonds are created with them.

Examples de besoins :

  • Being loved; 
  • Feeling accepted by others in both their strengths and their weaknesses;
  • Being able to express their feelings, being listened to and emotionally validated.

How to meet those needs:

  • Show affection.
  • Accept the child’s strengths and weaknesses, avoid comparisons, and respect their developmental pace.
  • Be available and listen to, name, and validate their feelings.

Need for self-esteem

Self-esteem means feeling that our strengths are recognized, that we are appreciated for who we are, and that we are contributing to family life. This gives us confidence when facing life’s obstacles in general. 

Examples :

  • Feeling valued and appreciated by one’s relatives;
  • Having responsibilities.

How to meet those needs:

  • Accept mistakes and imperfections, both yours as a parent and those of your child.
  • Deliver the message that it is NORMAL to make mistakes, that we also make some.
  • Appreciate the child’s efforts and accomplishments (e.g.: install a brag board in the house on which everyone can congratulate the child).
  • Allow the child to enjoy experiences suited to their age and encourage them to discover their strengths and interests.
  • Assign chores to help the child feel that you trust him to be a useful contributor to family life. Remember to thank your child for helping out at home, a sound acknowledgement of their effort. 

Need for accomplishment

Next comes the need for accomplishment, which encompasses completing projects, taking on challenges, learning, experiencing new things, and completing tasks that allow us to grow, evolve and flourish.

Examples :

  • Learning and exploring new things suitable to one’s age.
  • Separating oneself from one’s parents to go to school or to play with friends.

How to meet those needs:

  • Guide your child in their education and in all areas of development to give them the urge to move forward and flourish.
  • Encourage your child to live new experiences (athletic, cultural, artistic, etc.).
  • Transmit values such as sharing, tolerance, cooperation, and commitment.
  • Trust your child and accept that he occasionally make mistakes.

If these needs are met, your child will find it easier to learn to manage their feelings, to complete their tasks, and to accept rules and tasks that they may otherwise find unappealing.

A concrete example...

Let’s take a hungry, thirsty child. They will have difficulty focusing. Their parents may observe oppositional behaviour when they have to do their homework. By giving direct consequences for the behaviour, one omits to address the child’s genuine needs, which are eating and drinking. Few results will be obtained. In this example, giving the child a snack before they do their homework meets their basic needs and makes them more available to complete their academic work.

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