Topic 7: Stress and Emotions Management

This theoretical content on stress was developed in collaboration with theCentre RBC d’expertise en santé mentale (French). 

Properly understanding stress and anxiety

Stress
Stress is a normal - even necessary - alert system among humans. It is the body’s reaction to a threat. Well-calibrated stress enables us to take action and to adapt to all kinds of situations. 

Anxiety
Anxiety manifests itself when a person imagines the worst possible future outcome - something that hasn’t happened yet. The body triggers the same alert system. A situation doesn’t have to be real to trigger a stress reaction. Anxiety might be normal. It becomes an issue when it is repetitive and has a negative impact on your child’s functioning, and physical and mental health. 

Signs of anxiety may vary from one child to the next: 

  • Difficulty sleeping;
  • Loss of appetite;
  • Intense fear leading to avoidance;
  • Great need to control one’s environment;
  • Fear of the unknown;
  • Refusal to go to school or to participate in activities;
  • Difficulty making friends;
  • Difficulty getting organized;
  • Difficulty concentrating;
  • Stomachache, headache, vomiting, fatigue, muscle tension;
  • Great need for reassurance;
  • Irritability, tantrums, crying spells;
  • Oppositional behaviour (challenging authority);
  • Low self-esteem;
  • Distress.

How can I help my child to manage their stress and anxiety better?

At a young age, it is important to rely on education and good habits to manage one’s stress. That way, your child will manage to employ them independently during adolescence and adulthood.

Listen and normalize

Your child needs reassurance and guidance to understand what is happening within them.

  • Take your child’s lived experience seriously. Avoid trivializing fear; it is real to them.
  • Explain to your child that what they are going through is normal.
  • Ask questions and listen. Don’t try to find a solution to their fears at any cost. 
  • Help your child to tolerate their discomfort so that they understands that it isn’t dangerous. “I understand what you’re going through. It’s uncomfortable, but rest assured: it isn’t dangerous.”
  • Reassure your child by telling them there are ways to face one’s fear and that they’ll feel better after. 
  • Choose a time with your child when they can discuss their concerns and worries with you instead of responding to their requests on the spot. Doing so will help them develop their tolerance to uncertainty.

Identify avoidance

Avoidance is a strategy one employs to not experience discomfort in a given situation. Anxiety often results in discomfort, so it’s normal to try to eliminate it rapidly. However, even though avoidance provides rapid relief, it increases our long-term anxiety.

Examples of avoidance:

  • Not going to an activity out of fear of being laughed at (e.g., soccer game);
  • Putting off to tomorrow what can be done today;
  • Staying with your parents instead of going to a friend’s birthday party;
  • Not completing homework or an exam out of fear of failure;
  • Refusing to discuss a situation that evokes strong emotions.

To help your child stay positively self-confident and to help them deal with life’s stressful events, encourage them to face the situations that make them anxious. This technique is called exposure.

Guiding your child through exposure

Exposure must be conducted step by step. Encourage your child to experience stress that isn’t overwhelming yet sufficiently challenging to them. Focus on success from the onset to build confidence when dealing with stress. 

Here are two strategies to help your child:

1. Identify ways to soothe them.

Various methods can be practiced to make oneself feel better when dealing with stress. Let your child think and find their own methods. Then suggest age-appropriate methods. Your presence at their side is sometimes necessary.

Scenario:

  • Your 8-year-old child refuses to go to school this morning. They say their friend was mean yesterday and that they don’t want to be mocked.
    • Normalize and listen: “I understand what you’re going through. It’s normal to feel that way. Yes, those feelings are uncomfortable. However, they are not dangerous and will eventually subside.”
    • Identify the avoidance and encourage exposure to the situation: “I know it will be hard this morning. However, you need to go to school and face this situation.”
    • Guidance: “I’m here to help you get through this. We’ll find ways to help you feel better at school and with your friends.”
    • Let the child find their own methods: “Do you have any suggestions or ideas? Take the time to think about them.”
       

Expand your child’s comfort zone, but how? (French)

2- Working on the child’s thoughts and perceptions

It is difficult, perhaps even impossible, to control the emergence of a thought. However, we can work on our thoughts to reduce their impact on our reaction to stress. This is called reframing thoughts.

See the video by Centre RBC (French).

Congratulate your child when they overcome their fear!

To help you :

Reduce your behaviours of parental accomodation

Parental accommodation involves modifying one’s parental behaviour to prevent or reduce the child’s distress. 

Here are a few examples of parental accommodation:

  • Accepting the child’s avoidance behaviour, for example, justifying their absence from school when they don’t want to go there (e.g.: They’re afraid of failing or refuse to take responsibility).
  • Seeking to control everything surrounding the child to spare them from experiencing deception and discomfort.

It’s normal to accommodate! However, accommodating doesn’t help your child to develop strategies to deal with stress.

Be a role model and set the example

  • Face your own anxiety-inducing situations and share your winning strategies with your child.
  • Recognize that mistakes can be made, and express that possibility.
  • Discuss your feelings to normalize them (without getting into the details of your personal life).
  • Manage your own stress. Your stress can exacerbate that of your child, whereas your confidence will increase theirs.
  • Take care of yourself. Seek help if you need it. 

Provide a predictable, safe environment

Did you know that enforcing clear, predictable, and consistent rules helps the child to feel calmer and less anxious? Knowing what to expect, our parents’ limits, and preparing for new situations makes children more available to deal with stress.

Guide your child in adopting a healthy lifestyle

Healthy lifestyle habits make us more grounded when dealing with stress.

  • Get sufficient sleep.
  • Eat healthy foods.
  • Reduce the sources of stress and pressure, avoid overbooking the child’s schedule, and learn to have a healthy balance in life.
  • Get moving and exercise.
  • Reduce screen time.
  • Enjoy your family life simply by laughing and having fun.
  • Take care of your social network and surround yourself with the right people.
  • Integrate stress management strategies in your home life: yoga, breathing and relaxation exercises, mindfulness, arts, contact with nature, etc.

To help you:

Emotions management among children

The emotional tank
The child’s brain has a limited ability to store and process unfiltered emotions, both positive and negative. For example, it is perfectly normal to be entitled to a tantrum or provocative behaviour after a day filled with novelty, difficult situations, or simply very stimulating and positive ones (e.g.: zoo, amusement park, shopping). The child sometimes accumulates intense feelings from experiences at school, because they feel uncomfortable expressing them there (discomfort zone). Once home (comfort zone), the volcano erupts and they don’t always understand what's going on; neither does their parent.

Explanatory video by Public Health (French)

How can I help my child to better manage their feelings?

Be a role model by managing your own feelings

How do you manage your feelings as an adult at home? Observe your reactions and start using winning and healthy methods to express your own feelings. It's hard to tell your child to stop screaming when they’re angry and you're doing likewise. See box on “Your feelings as a parent” in topic 5.

Learn to welcome your child’s feelings

Learn to recognize, normalize, and understand your child’s feelings. “ I know that you're angry. That’s normal, and I understand why you’re upset or disappointed. It might be uncomfortable for you, but it isn’t dangerous. We’ll find ways together to help you to calm down."

Give your child time to calm down.

When your child is overwhelmed with feelings, they aren’t capable of assimilating information, answering you, or understanding why they’re experiencing those emotions. Simply give them time to calm down.

Help them to find the words to express their feelings

Sometimes a child doesn’t understand why they react so intensely. You can even help them voice their reaction. For example: “Do you think you feel sad because you miss your friend? That would be perfectly normal. You have the right to feel sad.” By doing so, you lead the child to become aware of their own feelings.

You can use images, photos, or pictograms to facilitate learning and to make it more concrete. 

Guide your child in choosing methods to better express their feelings

Differentiate feelings from behaviour: “You are entitled to be upset or sad; however, I disapprove of how you are expressing it (screaming, aggressive behaviour, threats, insults).” Then find more appropriate methods with your child. For example:

  • Take deep breaths.
  • Go to a quiet space.
  • Listen to music.
  • Draw.
  • Write in a notebook.
  • Exercise: walk, run, dance, jump on the trampoline, skip, etc.
  • Stretch.
  • Twist soft objects.
  • Speak to someone you trust - a friend.
  • Go outside and get some fresh air.

Conclude the interaction on a positive, affectionate note.

Give your child a smile, a hug, a positive and well-meaning comment, and so on.

Emotion management guide for kids and teens (French)

Activities

Application

Interesting references

Are you interested in stress management and anxiety, and want to learn more? Visit the following sites to learn more:  https://sante-mentale-jeunesse.usherbrooke.ca/ (French) or the Centre d’études sur le stress humain (CESH) (https://www.stresshumain.ca/) (French).

Emotional regulation: 

References : 

  • Lupien, 2019 ; Marchand, Letarte et Seidah, 2018 ; Shih et Lin, 2017 ; Strack et al., 2017 (French)
  • Lupien, 2019 ; Yerked et Dodson, 1908 (French)
  • Dumas, 2013 ; Gouvernement du Québec, 2018 ; CYMHIN-MAD, 2010 et Hincks-Dellcrest-ABCs s.d. dans Gouvernement de l’Ontario 2013
  • Couture, 2016 ; Naître et grandir, 2016 (French)
  • Thompson-Hollands et al. 2014 (French)
Share